DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH - "The Denver Story"

This is my story on how Domestic Violence began in my marriage. Yes, I do mean violence and I do mean SHE was the perpetrator. Growing up I was always the guy who would stand up to a bully for picking on a smaller kid and I would damn sure stand up to anyone who hit a girl or a female. I've had my share of scraps growing up with other guys as was the norm back in that day. But, I never dreamed I would ever be accused of violently or physically abusing a woman. Actually, she didn't really need to even go that far as to call it violence to get a "finding" of domestic violence. They have lots of ways to get around actual violence. In the family court, she can say anything she wants and her lies become "her credible testimony." You see these judges are given "discretion" (as though they have super human sensory skills) to determine the truth. He said she said is filtered through a judge's wise discernment filter and out spits the facts and justice. Really, that IS how it works. I had one De-witless attorney tell me and I kid you not, "Don't get all caught up in the facts and what really happened." "The court record has a way of creating its own reality." That was my attorney saying that. What a moron. I did have the good sense to walk away from that relationship very quickly.

So, shortly after getting married we moved to Denver. She came up the stairs one afternoon and into the loft where I was and began a discussion of some sort. Even now, I don't really remember it being anything earth shattering or even emotion laden. But, the more I reasoned with her and discussed whatever it was, the more angry she got. I remained calm and rational (which she later said is what put her over the top) and she began to talk louder and argue more vigorously. The calmer I stayed, the madder she got. She told me that being rational was somehow "cold" and she wanted me to react so she knew I cared about her. But, silly me, I continued to discuss the issue du jour with a calm voice and a rational viewpoint. I wasn't reading my exit queues very well. Finally, she snapped and exploded. She had gradually moved her way to standing in front of me by this point before exploding into a flurry of punches. At first, I was shocked. I kind of chuckled a little as I fended off her haymakers until one caught me in the cheek and another landed on my chest. It actually hurt like shit and I suddenly realized this is serious. She is actually attacking me physically and violently. I'm quite sure if we were in the kitchen by the knifes, I would have been toast (or sliced bread). I finally was able to get a hold of both of her wrists to stop her attack and let her settle down where I then released her arms. She was red faced and violently shaking. I never once hit her back or used excessive force to gain control of the situation. I asked if she was ok as she took a quick step towards me and turned and darted down the stairs. She left without a word until later that night almost six hours later I got a call from a hotel. In the interim, she had called her life long confidant (her little brother Steve) and told him the whole thing and said to me and to him that it scared her. Several months later he reluctantly acknowledged the phone call and incident. She said (at the time) that it was HER outburst and reaction to me that scared her. She didn't know what to do and didn't know how to explain it. After calling all over town, I now knew where she was and that she was ok. I proposed a cooling off period and left for a few days to go visit a friend in another state. Ironically, she denied this incident and little brother Steve never took the stand in court or at trial. I think he knew he'd also have to lie about "the Denver Story" if I had my chance to ask some questions of him. Hey, the kids got integrity. What can you say? Besides he's a Brother in the Bond. You're a stand up guy, Steve.

In hind site, I should have swallowed my pride and filed for a divorce and called it a day with her. But, I couldn't imagine getting a divorce. It would be the first with my friends and family. It didn't seem right to me to give up on it so soon. However, the reality is, there is no point in hanging in there and fighting for marriage anymore the way the courts and laws are these days. Also, what I didn't realize is that she would do it again many times over the next decade before accusing me of abusing her when she wanted an exit and full custody of our beautiful children. I can't imagine the horror and lies they have to live with now. I pray for them daily.

Hopefully, other young men can learn from my story and they will have the good sense to pack it in and move on when violence rears its ugly head from a woman. Women commit Domestic Violence and, most importantly, the is no accountability for Women who commit Domestic Violence. If she is violent or abusive, leave. There are many fish in the ocean. Life it too short.